Being Shopped - Yep, I just sent this message to some guy on OkCupid.

Onto something more fun than Meese Men. Let's talk online dating.

This post was inspired by a message I sent a few minutes ago to a man who contacted me on OkCupid. Because I lack proper reverence and discretion, I'm also sharing it with you.

First, a little background.

I've been doing the online dating thing since 1997. I've met some great men, one of whom I was with for 6 years (on and off). Another has become one of my best friends. I couldn't imagine my life without him in it.

I've also met some real doozies who you'll hear more about in my not-yet-published,  "All My Exes Live in Texts". Amongst those stories is one about a man I met in Vegas, at Joe's Crabshack. Over our endless bucket o' shrimp he asked me about my dissertation topic, and methodology. His response to my 5 years of unguided, shamanic descent into intentionally playing with Fire was both disdainful and condescending. Waving his small, soft, pasty white hand, he said he'd already heard about this from his roommate, who he said "used it all the time and didn't think much of it".

Yeah? Only if he's been hacking my computer dude because it ain't been published yet.



Dating sites DO work though. They really do. And it's so cool to meet people you might not otherwise have met. You gotta know what you want though! If you don't, then it's like going to the grocery store when you're hungry, a time when you know for fact you shouldn't go because you're gonna pick up all sorts of stuff you normally would just walk right past.

I've done a fair amount of shopping myself. I probably still have old profiles long past their expiration dates but still hanging out somewhere on Match.com, Yahoo Dating, BigFish, and eHarmony. My favorite site, and the only one I keep current is OkCupid. Not that I've been on a date in...umm...a looooooong time.

I'm busy. Whatever.

I've had time in these 16 evolutionary dating years to notice at least 7 different profile types of  online dating "shoppers". Those are included at the bottom so scroll now if you wanna know.

Or, read my letter to Robby first.



Hi Robby,

Bon Vivant? The fact that I had to look that up would suggest that I'm anything but. I looked it up anyway:

Bon Vivant, def: a person who likes going to parties and other social occasions and who enjoys good food, wine, etc.

...and sure enough...these are all things I can enjoy, but darlin, truly not what makes me tic. I do thank you for thinking so though!

Then I went on to read your profile. I don't know if your message to me was an invite to a longer conversation, or just a comment left in passing as you browsed, with no response expected. It so happens you've caught me in a philosophical mood, with time on my hands. I also have a barbaric headache brought on by the ever-present Petaluma winds. If I lack tact it's unintentional in my rush to satisfy my curiosity about the perfect life, and the perfect partner you're seeking:

"I'd enjoy a female partner who is slim, pretty, sweet, feminine, angelic, intelligent, petite, communicative, a little "off-beat", unconventional, sophisticated, displays values and morals, affectionate, not aggressive or demanding and is agreeable on all levels. A woman with whom I can nurture a relationship which will last for our remaining years (a last, first date!) Someone who is not consumed by material possessions or the need for $$$! Need a person who will inspire mutual motivation to be the best we can be and live life fully!"

That sounds very comfortable and yummy. A little "Stepford-wifey" for me, but to each his own. What's more intriguing, and has my knickers threatening to twist, is the paradox you've set loose amongst your unsuspecting adjectives. 

I believe to build something worth having, we have to challenge parts of ourselves to grow. We have to be engaged with the other person, and that there is inherent discomfort in certain stages of growing as we learn to know ourselves through another. We have to be so very brave in order to risk being seen for who we really are, which is really what we really want, even if we really don't know it. Really.

We can choose Comfort, or we can choose Courage, but we can't choose both. At least not at the same time. So what you wrote, while beautiful and idyllic, also seems unrealistic and utopian...

So, my question for you if you feel like responding is, where does being "agreeable on all levels" intersect with "mutual motivation"?

I'm truly interested in your response, unless this message is what you'd consider to be aggressive and demanding.

be well, be wild,

Corey

As promised, here are those 7 profile types of online daters:

• People who don't read the labels (your profile). You can spot this one easily because they don't even remotely resemble the kind of person you're looking for, which you've clearly described on your profile. Don't get me wrong. It's great to broaden your horizons by trying new things, testing out your palate, moving outside of your comfort zone. There is however a problem if you're allergic to nuts but fail to read the ingredients list before sticking your chocolate into their peanut butter. 
• Generic Brands:  Likes long walks on the beach while holding hands, sipping wine in front of the fireplace, and taking Sunday drives in the country. Really? This says one of two things, or possibly both: I've no idea what I like but am pretty sure this is what you want to hear, or my life has been so boring up until now that these things are really cutting edge for me.
• Shop-o-holics: Those who buy buy buy in order to fill an empty spot, never quite finding that one thing that will satisfy them for more than a moment. Besides, with so much on the shelves, who wants to get just one when you can have many?
• The Classic Collector: This one peruses the shelves with a preset framework in mind of what looks good on their arm, and picks up what they're looking for, according to that agenda.
• The Chameleons: You know the ones...empty profiles, no pictures, and the totally lacking in creativity one-liners that all sound something like "Just ask me what you want to know". Yeah, because I have way more extra time on my hands than you do, and I'd just love to waste it telling you who I'm looking for so you can turn yourself into it before my very eyes. Not. 
•  No Expiration Date: 25 year old guys who think all women over 40 are Cougars who can't wait to get them into bed. 65 year old guys who won't date anyone over 35 because they're just too old. 50 year old women who's profile picture is from 15 years ago.
• Serial Browsers: This one answers a lot, contacts a lot, but never actually buys.

This list is by no means exhaustive, and is meant to be taken with a grain of salt. We must laugh at ourselves, or run the risk of believing everything we think.

Who have I left out? What labels would you give some of the daters who've "shopped" you? Have I gone too far, been too mean? Do do do tell! xoxoxoxoxo - LOVE YOU!