Are there people in your life who, no matter what you do or how well you do it, still manage to find fault, leaving you feeling like you're crazy? Do they manipulate the truth, rewrite history, or blame others for their mistakes, past or present? If so, you're probably dealing with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
NPD is an insidious set of behaviors that can be very difficult to identify and even harder to treat. Because this is a personality disorder, therefore a learned behavior, there are no medications like there are for things like schizophrenia or depression which are brain disorders. Because it's a learned behavior, the only way out of it is to unlearn it, usually in a group therapy setting whose goals are to help the patient develop a healthy individuality (rather than a resilient narcissism) so that they can acknowledge others as separate persons.
No amount of compassion, understanding, or empathy on your part will ever change the behavior of a person with NPD. You can twist and turn yourself like a Rubiks cube, hoping to hit upon that just right combination that will finally please them and end the insanity, but you'll never find it. Your heart will break a little bit more each time you think you've finally gotten through to them, only to find they lack the ability to self reflect, and once again, nothing has changed. They will only use your goodwill to further their own ends.
Pathological Grandiosity
Narcissists believe it is their right to control what you do. If they don’t get their way, they act like spoiled children. They will throw tantrums and accuse you of keeping things from them. They are very paranoid and sure you plan to cause them harm.
Disclaimer:
A person with NPD doesn't think the Sun revolves around them. They think they ARE the Sun. Just like the sun, their outsides are bright and shiny, accentuating their superiority, but on the inside they're burning with an overwhelming sense of self-loathing. It's this tension of opposites that creates their inexhaustible needs.
Verbal Assault
A person with NPD will call you names, degrade, scream, threaten, criticize, berate, cry, and humiliate you. They will find opportunities to point out your flaws in front of friends or family and embellish upon them to the extreme. They'll make snide remarks and use sarcasm to erode your sense of self-worth and self confidence, making you look bad in front of others in an attempt to dissuade them from being your ally. This also offers them an opportunity to martyr themselves by showing their audience just how difficult you are to deal with and what they have to go through in order to put up with you.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a slang term from the 1950’s meaning to drive someone crazy. The person with NPD will swear that events never occurred and that certain things were never said. Even though you know better, over time you can begin to question your sanity. Be alert to gaslighting tactics that can beat you down and make you think you are going insane.
Blackmail
Emotional blackmail is one of the high stakes tactics someone with NPD uses to push your buttons. They play on your sense of compassion, fear, or guilt in order to manipulate you and get their own way. They may refuse to talk to you, threaten to end the relationship, withdraw financial support, even threaten to commit suicide in order to maintain their sense of control.
Constant Chaos
The person with NPD will keep you in a state of total chaos by starting arguments and constantly being in conflict with other family members.
Entitlement and Expectations
A person with NPD places unreasonable demands on you. They may expect you to reject everything in your life to tend to their needs. They may demand all of your attention. They may offer to help you in some way then withdraw the offer without notice because something better comes up. Their excuse to you will be that you should understand because they deserve to be happy and this makes them happy. Don't you want them to be happy? No matter how hard you try to please them, they will always demand more, and if you express hurt or anger you will be accused of being unreasonable. They are a bottomless well of need. You will be criticized and berated because of your inability to fulfill their demands.
Unpredictable Responses
This includes emotional outbursts and extreme mood swings. If they like something you do today they may hate it tomorrow. Their response to being called on this discrepancy can be very extreme, and their constant nitpicking will undermine your self esteem, self confidence and mental well-being by keeping you constantly on edge, wondering how they'll respond next. Spending any time around this kind of person is challenging, stressful, and anxiety provoking. At the very least your sense of balance is uncertain and prolonged exposure to their behavior leads you to question your own sanity.
Martyrdom
Anything that happens around a person with NPD will instantly be interpreted by them as having happened to themselves. They play the pity card often, and well. If a friend is ill, they cry, not for the friend, but for themselves because they now have to suffer the pain of having a sick friend. The more advanced their illness is, the quicker they will go through friendships because their level of neediness is exhausting and bottomless.They are masters at turning any situation into their own righteous platform. If you set boundaries they take it as a personal rejection and they will condemn you. They know where your vulnerabilities are and won't hesitate to use them against you.
Extracting yourself from someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be very difficult, especially if they are a family member or someone you work for. The more they lose control of you, the more vicious their attacks can become, and the deeper their verbal attacks will bite. Their attacks can also escalate to physical violence and deliberate sabotage. Don't go through it alone. You need people on the outside who can see clearly for you until you can do so for yourself.
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